‘Nervous’ doesn’t even outline the level of emotions and fear that ran through me this a.m...
I’ve found myself in similarly related moments that were completely anxiety-driven over the last 2 1/2 months...and it began the instant cold steel was wrapped around my wrists in the early hours of March 5th.
It was that same feeling.
In the courtroom, I was surrounded by polished wood walls, attorneys and officers who watched everything with the intent to protect that courtroom’s order at any cost...And yet it felt so foreign to me. “Do I really belong here?”. But I did...I made that choice to drink...but I was NEVER given the choice to drive.
Blackout drinking is such a baffling occurrence. I was there, behind the wheel, yet I wasn’t present. And with any different circumstantial timing, my accident could have resulted with crippling results or the loss of an innocent life. As I write this, my face is changing color and my hands are not as steady across the keyboard...I’m feeling the impact...I’m reliving that 3 seconds of knowing I’m not going to be able to stop my vehicle from colliding. I think about it every day. It travels through my brain, down my body and settles like a boulder in the pit of my stomach. Yet I have to switch the shame to acknowledging the grace I was shown that night. I have to admit openly that it’s by no mistake that this has all rendered a segment of a much more beautiful ‘plan’...But it’s not a plan I control. I believe in Divine destiny now.
I sat listening to the first case presented to the Judge. Quietness crawled around the floor and those who were there to hear their fates, listened too as if they were already standing before the bench. I couldn’t take the building chaos in my mind and the equations I was pointlessly calculating...Fear shouldn’t take the reigns, but all too often, it does without requesting my permission. So I wrote down on paper, while awaiting my case to be called, everything I was processing...a short blurb, but an outlet nonetheless.
And then my name. “The State calls...” I don’t remember what was said after that. I acknowledged that I was to proceed to the table adjacent the DA with my attorney. What a perfect time to have been offered a sip of water. But I was not. I spent several minutes addressing the Judge with, “Yes, Your Honor.” “No, Your Honor.” “I understand, Your Honor.” And it was over...The plea of ‘Guilty’ was delivered.
That was my arraignment...May God Almighty guide me through my life until July 19th when I stand before the court one last time...my judgement...the final chapter...I pray I’m offered a chance to continue my recovery.
Thank you for reading...All of you are my strength and you give me hope.