Today is about FORGIVENESS.
One year ago I was handed a decision to make that seemed so terrifying and blatantly unfair...it cornered and crushed me.
My boy had quietly suffering and I didn't realize just how bad it was. On a visit to the doc to get them to give me some ways to help him, they returned with the news that his blood was in bad shape and he was in critical condition and needing a blood transfusion.
Even then, it would be a very low percentage that he would be with me for more than a week following the procedure.
She told me what my options were and left the room.
'Dear God' I begged. I wasn't ready. I couldn't deal with this loss. How could I make this decision? But I knew what was right. It's in this moment you see just how precious a life like this is to you.
The formality of signing a document seemed like such a spit in the face. And right now it's just as difficult to revisit this in words as it was sitting on the cold tile floor in that clinic.
I signed. I secured the goodbye to my best friend.
I don't really know how to describe the next 30 minutes.
I tried to absorb love, give love and beg for forgiveness. I was experiencing something that would change the course of my life...
I couldn't stay in the room during the procedure. I had to let go. But internally, I never did. Sitting in the waiting room, I felt the whole thing. My spirit left the moment he passed.
My car was a lonely cocoon for about an hour. I didn't know what to do, who to call, what to say...I reached out, but have no recollection of who to. 'Someone save me from this'... 'Wake me the fuck up!'
My boy was gone. I'd signed away his life because I couldn't afford a transfusion. I couldn't afford a transfusion because I was unraveling and drinking too frequently to deal with it all. This night would be no exception. I came apart at the seams. And down I went. All the way to my bottom.
It's 3:21pm now...about the same time I was sitting in the clinic with Murray. His heart was beating strong and I can still feel it on my arm as if I'm still in the room. I hated myself for that day. I began to destroy myself for being the person I was that had put selfish behaviors before the care of his best mate. The sound of the pen grating along the paper attached to the clipboard bore the signature of a failure...the pen seemed oblivious to my pain. So into darkness I ran. This same darkness wasn't new to me...I'd been there before. It sabotages and defeats all things. It had never once shown a reprieve.
In the year since Dec 30th, 2016 I have had to come clean on my life and all the weaknesses that slaughtered me. The guilt I felt had to go. I wasn't at fault that night. I now see that he was a guide that would show me how to start new. He taught me how to love something unconditionally, and in return, accept love. I just never knew that it was up to me to experience that in the other areas of my life. Murray was a soul that many knew as pure...hard to replace that.
Today, I hope to let this little writing exercise bring some healing. I have worked very hard this year to replace old hate with new and uplifting thoughts, to find peace amongst chaos...but to reframe chaos into an organized and manageable state. Recovery has allowed this process to take place...it's allowing forgiveness to enter and understanding to offer a glimmer of hope.
I miss my pup today, and every day. His ashes sometimes cause me grief and I feel sadness still at his passing, but it's better to feel and know I'm human than to run and decompose.
Love to all of you who have gone through this experience or who are closing in on it. Kia Kaha.
Murray will always be the most precious gift...
In his memory, I choose to forgive myself in full.
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