Day 291 (9 months, 15 days)
In 2016 I'd set a goal to compete again as a masters age group athlete in the decathlon...a 2 day, 10 event track and field competition. Some may know names of the American greats such as Rafer Johnson, Caitlyn (competed as Bruce) Jenner, Dan O'brien (from the Dan and Dave Reebok commercials), Brian Clay and most recently, two-time Olympic Champion and World Record Holder Ashton Eaton.
No, I'm not following in their footsteps, but I can definitely gain motivation through becoming a student of their successes.
I set out on my training plan, entered into the World Masters Games in Auckland, New Zealand, partnered with a local non-profit and had created a unique concept for a fundraiser that would set the purpose for my competition goal to be an all out challenge. I was 'ready' and I was chasing it...a comeback perhaps?
Nah...hindsight rendered this perspective -
After several months, the non-profit had encountered a conflict with an annual event and was not able to continue with the fundraiser. Shortly after, my workload decreased significantly... stress followed by a lack of drive towards continuing with my goal. And so I let it go. My heart had changed. It was two months later I laid my dog to rest...the catalyst for my soul to die. Within weeks I was consuming alcohol in a way that I'd never encountered. I was drowning myself...all of me. Here I am today seeing that I was seeking and craving wholeness, and that fundraiser and competition were put in place to fill a hole...but that hole was much greater than I understood it to be. With a little breeze, I was blown to the ground. I wasn't ready. My motive was wrong. I didn't understand the WHY or the answer to the question of my motive. I was tired of being average, I knew that much...but now I see that I was actually tired of being me because I had no self love or sense of identity.
Fast forward into almost 10 months of recovery (a word that I've never applied to prior periods of sobriety), and there's a recurring question that sits just beneath the surface. "Are you ready yet?" Can I set a goal such as I'd attempted to do in '16, yet have a different motive, purpose and plan towards bringing it to life? I'm beginning to believe so. It's great to share something with eloquent morsels of writing and appear profound and insightful, but to open up about how bad you want something because I TRULY WANT IT is the real magic. So I'll start on this road again...My next opportunity is the World Masters Athletics Championships in Toronto, Canada... 2020.
3 years, Chris! Why wait that long? If you've been catching pieces of my journey, by now you'll understand that I'm involved in a DUI diversion program that has a lifespan through July 19th, 2020 (3 years)... Ironically, the Championships begin the day after I complete!!! Coincidence? I'll enjoy it as a prompt. So this is now my goal. I'll be encountering other accomplishments in the shorter term, but THIS is one I feel driven towards...and sobriety will be the key to getting me there healthy, ready and with a sense of purpose in my life that makes this challenge a great opportunity rather than an attempt to make me whole.
I've loved this sport since I was a boy...through my teen years, it became my escape from crippling insecurities and in my future it may become a portion of my testimony reflecting extraordinary change.
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