I've been in weekly counseling since the end of March...29th to be exact. Last Friday I was asked to put into writing the differences between self love and self worth. "Easy"... not.
Im listening to the words in the music blasting through my headphones right now and ironically it's tapping into the very thing I find confusing about both of these terms: Doubt.
It's an almost impossible task to write words that form sentences or any structure for you to read. But in the most amusing way, it's exactly the issue that seems to be preventing both to show themselves present in any form in my life...at least that I've acknowledged. Maybe I'll just rename this blog? lol.
I justify why I shouldn't have success. I rationalize the missteps as learning points, but never credit my own efforts in the growth from those lessons. Even after nearly 6 months of crazy intensity, I'm looking at all the good that's happening as if I've played no part in it. But I have. I've worked my tail off to stay on course. Granted, most of my efforts have been directed by some form of legal 'suggestion' (see, I'm discrediting again...and that's what I do).
My understanding of Self WORTH: It's a combination of all character, all talent, all experience-based wisdom, knowledge from things I've learned from my peers, the capacity to know my shortcomings, the willingness to be told ways I can improve, it's a viewpoint into these collective things and the scale on which I command their perfection...and perfection is where I change self worth into something unfathomable. Pressing it out of existence into it's silent place...then the pin drops...and self worth becomes the void.
Self LOVE: My index fingers tap an automatic rhythm on the 'F' and 'J' as I'm staring at my keyboard... Self love. Self. Love. Love. Self. Seems intuitive enough. But only if it's there. I look at the self worth and see that things are new and change is happening but embracing that, as I tackled in my previous blog, endures some kickback. Patterns of self-loathing and shaming have not allowed for the door to fully open. But she told me I deserve to in my session and that's why I'm writing about it...trying to decipher the differences and see just where I dwell between the two. I love externally... I wouldn't be here without family and friends who've supported me tirelessly. I love unconditionally - take my pup for example, he was my first experience of this. I love ME. Now that's just weird. But why? I have the self worth. I believe that. But to love myself enough to credit that I've done that work and I've earned those new characteristics and put change into play is still a shortcoming.
Goal: I believe I was created by God for a purpose that He's still to reveal. His ultimate plan stands in place and always has, yet it's up to me to embrace that...but in order to truly embark on this adventure, I must love myself as He's loved me...since day 1. To honor the Father is to also trust in his perfection...which would make me, and all of us, 'perfect' in all relevance to our own God-given purpose.
I'm not going back to edit this post. I know that there's sentences I'd love to clean up and correct or rethink, but I'm also learning that it's ok to not be polished all the time. So happy reading and thanks for indulging my processing in another public blog! I've really found this to be healing...and I'm grateful that there's been so many of you who've reached out to support my journey.
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