The Change Conflict

Day 160

This one's a processing blog and only serves to discard some confusion.

There's been a residual fight against the idea of fully letting go of my past. Over the last few days I've found myself challenged to look at these things.  Yesterday I randomly picked up a book themed around 'forgiveness therapy' and I've also encountered the recurring question of, 'What makes you happy?' which I still can't respond without the rehearsed and automated answer.  But it's coming.

Strange to put up a wall against letting in fresh life and thinking...but the old is so comfortable.  "Being OK with a less than self image is fine"..."Doing everything for everyone else at the breaking point of losing myself is fine"... "Not communicating my boundaries and worth for fear of rejection is also fine"... and so it goes, this ever cycling thought process.  It's been there for as long as I can remember.  Now there's opportunity to change, but it's forcing my cracks to bleed these excuses out.  I fear change because I hate to fail... But I've already failed.  I've landed in a place I'd not wish upon another soul, but it has the potential to reveal the most powerful lesson my life may ever encounter... so the answer seems obvious, right?

I'm over-analytical to a fault.  I know that and I'm reminded of it by those I trust. But I don't think what I'm experiencing RIGHT NOW requires just a flyby approach.  This crossroad may be the place where I return to my intended destiny and reclaim that purpose I was created for.  At birth, I was flawless, as we all are. Physical issues aside, I believe we are all immediately altered by those things closest to us in our first days. For me, those first days turned into months and years...those years turned to resentment and hatred that continually turned inward.  And that designed the Wild Card I could pull at anytime to protect me from fear of the things that molded and shaped me.

Darkness is only created by the absence of light.  I was created in light, but became darker as l lost a belief in myself - at least so I thought. I want to answer that question of what makes me happy, because as of this moment, I can't honestly answer.  I experience joy, but what is the source of my happiness?  To get this understanding, I have to be OK with letting the new override the old and purge the farthest corners of my life. Acceptance > Forgiveness > Freedom > Happiness.  I think this is the order of things.  I'll find out along the way. 

The word 'purge' refers to the process of forcing something toxic out of a space. There's a strange safety in holding onto all the old, familiar and protective behaviors I've created and defaulted to, but now I've run out of energy in resisting the flood of new things that seem much more powerful...I almost feel as though I don't have a choice.  And it's overwhelming.

A Fear-driven life brought me to my knees in March and I have to remind myself that in those first few days I recognized that I was powerless and broken and was willing to do ANYTHING to find 'Peace, Hope and Love' (that was my mantra...those three words, over...and over).  I should keep that moment fresh in my mind when considering this difficult place I find myself in now, because it's honestly just a question of 'Do you want to be blessed?' because that's what God does. 

The choice to grow is mine... no-one can do it on my behalf, but there ARE those who are doing their very best to support my new roots.  I owe it to myself. I owe it to God who gave me this life. I'm just scared to step into the unknown and it's the next step.

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