By now many are aware of how my life’s course has altered in the last couple of months. I’d like to share just how much of an impact the love and support I’ve received really means as I continue this path.
Who knew that I’d ever end up unleashing my personal life, and I mean VERY personal life, on the outside world. Over the years I’ve been quite unidentifiable as a person, so I embellished my outward skin. The people around me were offered a glimpse into the life of a photographer and an alter ego of sorts that was subconsciously built to redirect people away from ever encountering my interior.
Although I truly wanted to engage, be a part of and be around all the people that I knew cared about me, it was impossible. So the only road into any social environment was through my professional involvement...under any other circumstance, I was awkward....and to fight that anxiety-riddled feeling, I drank.
It goes without saying that now I’m trying something completely different...and it’s not just sobriety...it’s saying to those around me, “Hey...Welcome in!” ... I thought it would be terrifying but it hasn’t been in the least!! But how is that so? How have I got to a place where I can sit and open up this life of mine...potentially to all kinds of scrutiny...and be OK with it?
The reason is this. I’m done. I was done the moment I realized I had the capacity to destroy my life, and I’m not just referring to creating legal hardships as I’ve done in the past. When I sat in Unit 7 and the cell door shut behind me for the 3rd day in Washoe County Jail, I came unglued.
I’d finally lost hope.
I was helpless and alone...and I was the reason.
I had to do something drastically different if my life was going to turn.
On the day I walked out of rehab, I’d already vowed to share my story. I craved to get it all out. I couldn’t manage the bag of rocks I was sloughing around...It was too heavy and I was weak and exhausted from hauling it. That was May 1st, 2017...
...On May 2nd, I went live on Facebook to create ‘Coming Clean’, my first recovery video. That 8 1/2 minute rant has given me some freedom. It cleared just enough space so I could breathe brand new air. And all of you helped me take it in. There’s been times in my life where people have helped me get through tough times...for example, when I put my pup to rest in December. But this has been different...This is like nothing I’ve ever encountered. I was so unaware that I could feel this type of embrace from people in a time of need and let them in.
I’m writing this segment today out of pure gratitude. I have no other way to say it. I have a deep down and heartfelt appreciation of all of the support that is being offered...The similar experiences that have been shared...The wisdom that I’m being taught and listening to...and for the fact that God put you all on this path for me to learn from.