What Do I Want From Sobriety?

Day 208

Maybe I can actually answer this now.  

If you'd asked me at the beginning of the year, I may have pitched a few ideas that sounded pretty textbook. "To be happy", "I'd like to be a dad", or "I want to have my photography business become quite successful".  There, I would steer you away from my disbelief in my ability to actually reach for such goals and wants...they were simply go-tos with no real discovery behind them.

Now what I want and what I need have a completely different context in my life.  Now, what I want IS what I need. I can look around a room or talk with a person and not feel as if their skillset proves me to be inferior.  I feel as if I too have things to consider individually unique but have previously held no value in.  Comparisons to great people or their perceived worths fails to drive me down the rabbit hole anymore.  If you are doing exceptional things, then I can truly applaud and support your efforts and happiness. I find no sense in violating my own value by second guessing whether or not I can have the same gifts you have or better, but rather be satisfied in what I have to offer...I can only guess that it's all relative to the individual. I'm beginning to own that I also have gifts and talents.

Why did I begin to crave what others have for so long and why did I live in a state of disgust of myself? Perhaps I had an agenda. Maybe I was running from failure before I'd even fallen. I was stuck in fear, and still reside there in certain ways.  Projection has always been a weakness of mine...it's always materialized as a stifling and crippling mindset that ran on autopilot in the background of every action.  It relentlessly pursued my heels and sabotaged every good and potentially successful idea I dreamed up...and even caused me to discard my own dreams.

I don't talk much about the things I'm good at...and I very rarely tell anyone that I'm gifted in any one thing.  But truth be told, I do have talent.  I owe it to myself to acknowledge this.  I definitely owe it to my Creator for giving it to me.  But now, after 16 or so years of rendering it untouched, I really want to restore this natural and God-given ability...it looks like this:

So I begin there.  As long as I start to consider the positive aspects of my life, things will continue to move in the direction I hope for.  Who knows if illustration will become a featured part of my life, but at least I'm going to try to get it out from under the rock it's been hiding for almost two decades.


#KiaKaha #Recovery #WhereIBelong #RenoTahoePhotography