Why Am I Doing This...

Day 98

I need to continue looking up.

I need to continue looking up.

Anything I’ve ever done over the years has been worth questioning. When the results were less than adequate, it always made me wonder, ‘What the hell for?’. My brain often answered that question with an unspoken but very impulsive reaction...running away.

“...and the courage to change the things I can.”

I’m nearing my 100th day in sobriety. In the grand ol’ scheme of things that’s really just a drop in the bucket...but for me, it’s been 98 days of introspection.

> An hour or so later...

I’ve written and deleted most of the content for this entry over and over...but putting my thoughts into words doesn’t seem to be happening. It’s not a lack of willingness, but moreso not knowing how to process things like most people.

Sounds like I’m ranting a bit? Yes...this is part of the process for me. And the process is exactly what I set out to share. But why? Because by the time this post is complete, I will have navigated my way to a solution or a question that keeps the process moving forward. It’s the idle confusion that is so detrimental to me. “Well, talk to someone, Chris.” you may say...and I do. But I also need to learn to do THIS. I need to take what I’ve heard, put all those pieces together, relative to what I’ve been experiencing in the farthest corners of my brain and give it context. I can absorb astounding amounts of information...but if I don’t structure it, I lose it quickly. I’ll have a thought and then I instantly turn into a squirrel...and so on.

The more information and the more ‘clarity’ that is offered, the more I seem to pile it up around me. But the piles do very little other than clutter and decay over time. So I gotta get with it and move more steadily. My brain works like an office desk...if it’s piled a mile high with massive amounts of great information, that’s fine...but it’s gonna take time for me to get to it all AND I’m probably gonna miss something. Once I’m done consuming it all, it still has no order - and the pile keeps me from quickly going back to reference things I need on the fly. I need to keep the desk organized, hence the blogs you are reading. I’m cleaning the desk.

This last week has felt a little chaotic. There’s a lot of moving pieces as I carry on into my first 100 days of real recovery. But I know I’m not walking this path alone...my brain would like to convince me so, but it’s the furthest thing from the truth. Even today, I have got to experience understanding, kindness and friendship. How about that! And I thought having a strong sense of self meant that I could do all things for myself, by myself.

Why am I doing this? Because I get to share it...and knowing that people walk beside me is the true gift in my life.