Today I lay face up on the track absolutely gassed. I'd just completed the last interval of my sprint conditioning workout when my desire to breathe as deep as possible thrust me to the ground. I'm sure the look on my face and the scene of a grown man writhing on that rubber surface was one to behold. I remember the sun...the warm air...and then my heart beating wildly. My limbs were splayed out like..
'Dear God' I begged. I wasn't ready. I couldn't deal with this loss. How could I make this decision? But I knew what was right. It's in this moment you see just how precious a life like this is to you.
The formality of signing a document seemed like such a spit in the face. And right now it's just as difficult to revisit this in words as it was sitting on the cold tile floor in that clinic.
I signed. I secured the goodbye to my best friend.
Maybe I can actually answer this now.
If you'd asked me at the beginning of the year, I may have pitched a few ideas that sounded pretty textbook. "To be happy", "I'd like to be a dad", or "I want to have my photography business become quite successful". There, I would steer you away from my disbelief in my ability to actually reach for such goals and wants...they were simply go-tos with no real discovery behind them.
I'm not going back to edit this post. I know that there's sentences I'd love to clean up and correct or rethink, but I'm also learning that it's ok to not be polished all the time. So happy reading and thanks for indulging my processing in another public blog! I've really found this to be healing...and I'm grateful that there's been so many of you who've reached out to support my journey.
There's been a residual fight against the idea of fully letting go of my past. Over the last few days I've found myself challenged to look at these things. I've randomly picked up a book themed around 'forgiveness therapy' and also encountered the recurring question of , 'What makes you happy?'...to which I still can't respond without some rehearsed and automated answer. But it's coming.