Sundays are not always set aside to write a blog, but it’s been quite a while and there’s much to catch up on.
It’s been s few months since the last entry was written and it hasn’t been due to disinterest, but more so out of not knowing how to really write about it.
I’ve put a lot of information on the table in an attempt to create a visible image of what it’s like to dive into a fire covered in kerosine. I have been recounting those older days like they are recent occurrences and finding them to be as real now as they were then… the difference being that I’m not in that fire any longer, but seeing them in their very real skins.
In the 20 months I’ll celebrate tomorrow, I’ve come to see a vast separation to that version of myself…except in one frightful area - I’m still terrified of looking at things I can change… That fear of failure envelopes me when I sit to work to a solution. It’s damn near crippling.
There are ghosts in this life of mine and they render themselves in the strangest and most intricate ways. Sometimes the simplest obstacle becomes a mountain for no rational reason, yet the emotional power it carries seems absurdly intense.
So what now? I’m being challenged to do what is known as a ‘4th Step Inventory’ (part of the programming offered in the 12-step world of AA). I’ve seen the life-changing victories that others around me have experienced by pressing through this portion and I know that it’s a critical step for me to complete. How can I have gone through all this upheaval and yet still remain stuck, or unwilling, to take a charge at this? It’s insane.
I do have a friend who we can just simply call a ‘12-step mentor’ that is encouraging me to take this leap even though it’s got me at a complete stand still… He’s done it, as many before him have. His life is a testament to his healing adventure. I want what’s on the other side, but man, I can’t shake this crazy notion and sick-to-my-stomach feeling that crawls over me when I sit down to put pencil to paper. This blog and the openness to write it is quite easy in comparison.
Here’s the basic premise: write about the things in my life that I’ve butchered and discover each and every person I’ve hurt in the process, essentially creating an outline that states my most subtle of character flaws and becoming prepared to take them all on as areas I’m to correct. It’s daunting…again, there’s so many words to describe this feeling, or even better, reaction I’m having to this process. I don’t want to feel what this will draw out of me. It’s probably the most scary of anything I’ve faced up to this point.
“Don’t sweat it, just plow through”, someone told me the other day. I received a blank stare when I shared how it was effecting me… Have I overreacted to all of this? There’s obviously a reason why…there’s got to be something that’s driving this fear.
I just want to be whole.
I’ll return to this blog to comment on how this has progressed… It has to.
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